PART ONE OF A MILLION THE CARTILAGE SUICIDES
by Princess Florella
Summary: U R AN IDORT


"Hello Everyone, my name is REGINALD D. SEAWATER, and I am addicted to Polio" Reggie said to support group for POLIO'S ANONYMOUS.

"Hi Reggie!" the group yelled back. They were in the midst of planning a Polio Fundraiser. There annual Polio Run had been less than successful in years past due to the general lack of running. Also because one time REGINAL D. SEAWATER was primarily a HIPSTER and had gotten his left FACE pierced. Realized his mistake, he ripped out the FACE, and which naturally led to infectious KELLOID SCARRING to overtake his whole FACE. ALL OF IT. FOREVER. REGINALD WOULD SOONER DIE OF POLIO THAN KELLOID SCARRING, SO HE DECIDED TO BOARD AN AIRPLANE.

THIS WAS HIS FIRST MISTAKE.

Because little did he know that he was ACTUALLY AFRAID OF PLANES, TRAINS AND PLANTAINS. AND AUTOMOPLANES. "oh god oh god oh god oh god" Reginald Snape oh-goded.

" IHAVE AN IQ OF 183 THOUSAND AND I CONTAIN ENOUGH AUTISMS TO KILL A NORMAL MAN." The model roasted. He was a man of his autisms and MURDEROUS INSTINCTS and ROUGH PAST and HALF A FACE BURNT OFF BECAUSE HE WAS A PHANTOM. Also, GIRLS WERE SMARTER THAN HIM. But this was his secret strength, for you see, he was Uncle Petrovsky!

SI! EL UNCLE PETROVSKY AND HIS EL CHINO MUNECA….shit what the hell is wife in spanish. Man what the fuck is a Spanish just fuck it fuck Spanish bites and if you know it you are an EL AZTECA and probably dangerous and bring tons of rain, like EL NINO.

Anyway the main problem with UNCLE PETEROBSKY other than the fact that he absolutely adored the UNITED ARAB DUBAI and traffic cones in ways that are definitely illegal in even the seedier parts of guam was that he also had swine flu due to an unfortunate encounter with a swine, a fifth of tequila, and flu shots everywhere. Truly his mind was both a criminal and a mind and autisms.

But the point is that our protagonist, UNCLE Reginald d. seawater Esq. Sr. Jr. had to run and go to a Magic: The Gathering tournament so he could maybe one day win enough to cure both his fears of nubs and tractor trailers without trailers and to cure his swine flu induced scurvy.

So we meet our intrepid villain once again at the airport, wherein after taking massive doses of BENZOPILLZAPEENS he had managed to safely unembark from it.

BUT LITTLE DID HE KNOW WAS WAITING AT THE GATE BUT NONE OTHER THAN THE TRUMPET PLAYING MASQUERADO merlin more. ALSO, SHE WAS WITH A VAMPIRE.

"oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-….." uncle petrovsky the Reginald d. seawater model defecated as the vampire ate the merlin more whole. He had hoped to learn from her because she was a twelfth level elven wizardmageror and could speak fluently all dialects of elvish, including Kenyan, south African and widdly scuds. He quickly scavenged all her blood forever so as to make the rare and elusive TOXIC TONIC known only by it's streetname which was spelled thusly "Z-Y-D-R-A-T-E V" it made you supercool and able to hear everything forever even in distant houses.

Quickly exiting the airport terminal, he spotted off in the distance GODZACH, COALTRAIN, &&& EDWARDIAN. They were all…..they were all beautiful, as if created from the most beautiful metal on the planet, diamonds. Together, would these three banditerollos be able to start a new life in the rough Texan wilderness and conquer that last cattle drive known only as brokeback mountain?

One can only hope, dear reader, one can only hope. But alas, standing in the way to such nonjudgemental and fairly manly bliss was TIGUEL, and raving half man half guy and half hair. TIGUEL quickly kicked everything in the shin, fatting his hair and/or massive butt in the process. Noticing the lack of tears from the MERRY BAND OF MEN, he proceeded to start texting phones rapidly. For such was TIGUEL'S power that he was able to use the internet to text everything within a fifteen mile radius.

BUT ALAS, WHAT IS THIS.

The merry band of broventurers are responding with smiley faces ! bitches love smiley faces, yo! TIGUEL pulls out his sack of tricks, and starts unleashing his minions through it!

First came TOCCS, a half bird, half starved Ethiopian child beast out of the sack. He quickly starts unbuttoning his shirt. It was just as scrawny as his addiction to pills and almost as scrawny as how brawny his balls were. Truly, this underfed birdbeast was carrying space shuttles as testicles.

Next came FENRIS NEVIK, a poorly trained pcp dog. Or lycan as they prefer to be called. He was known around town as the BOOB THE RIPPER, and was well regarded in the field of ripping boobs off. Also, he would always sniff you and be annoying as all HELL. JUST ALL OF IT.

And some other stuff happened to, like fifteen cranes dancing on a head of a pin and also these 14 year old girls cut SIMBA no shit that dudes name from that Christian dude's book. ASLAN. ASLAN SIMBA.

But Reginald and his crew of possibly homosexual but definitely gay brothers in arms rose up in arms to overthrow those overpowering his brothers. First, they summoned upon SAINT GABEREAL. St. Gabereal was the patron saint of being batshit insane and also he had alzheimers or something and had to eat cereals made out of seroquil and other orange things, like bicycles or else the demons would kill and eat him.

Wiwith st. g. on their side, they sent forth a call to the nearest gym, tan or laundry for JHF, a cigarette smoking mad man known only for his ability to both lift and do weights. It is said that he once killed Abraham Lincoln, and pisses only heroin.

USING THE HEROIN EFFECTIVELY, MISS PIGGY EFFECTIVELY RALLIED TO THEIR AIDS, USING HIS CALIFORNICATABLE ABILITIES.

BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. DOES MISS PIGGY SAVE THE DARING DUO OF STAN GABRIEL AND JOHN HUTCHESON'S FRIEND IN TIME. CAN YOU REALLY GET TECH STUDENTS OFF YOUR PORCH WITH ONLY PIZZA MONEY.

CHECK IN NEXT TIME ON:

THE FALL. AND THE OC.


End file.
